2004 Legislative Awards

What started as grand theatre ended as slapstick comedy.

On November 24, 2002 I wrote a column that questioned a press conference where our newly elected governor stood with our legislative leaders and promised to solve Alaska’s fiscal challenges. “No excuses. If we can’t do it…then we have no one to blame but ourselves”, Gov. Murkowski stated. We were promised the stars were aligned. We were promised no excuses.

Eighteen months later, I’m left managing a ten percent tax increase and Alaskans are left with nothing but excuses. Even the accomplishments have asterisks next to them.

After inadequate commitments for years, the legislature and the governor agreed to a record increase in education funding. However the legislature failed to balance the budget and provide the necessary revenue to pay the bill. And after two sessions and almost 400 different press releases from the governor’s office, the only press release concerning education policy was a threat to veto needed education funding.

While some say good politics makes good theatre, it could be said that bad politics makes bad theatre. And while Gov. Murkowski showed flashes of good politics during the waning days of the legislature, his abrupt special session surrender is indicative of the inconsistencies that have plagued his performance. As it has before, his script morphed from “Walking Tall” to “Falling Down”.

Meanwhile, Anchorage commuters will continue to spend more time at Lake Otis and Tudor because of excuses on the transportation bond package. To compensate, I’m pleased to provide you with my favorite selections from the 23rd Alaska State Legislative Film Festival to consider while you wait for the light to turn green.

“Castaway” starring Bob Lynn. After singing, “I’ll solve the fiscal gap with common sense conservatism”, a legislative idol is abandoned on a remote island after he fails to stay in tune with his group. An evil closed caucus decides his fate after determining the song had a catchy title but the lyrics made no sense.

“Titanic” starring the Alaska State Senate. The crew takes turns falling asleep at the helm, as the ship of state perilously wanders at sea. After striking the reef at Lake Otis and Tudor, First Mate Ben Stevens pushes Anchorage voters overboard while commandeering the lifeboat. Rated PG for power grab. A sequel is planned for 2006, where Stevens sinks due to voter anger and the weight of his own arrogance. 

“The Grinch Who Stole Christmas” starring Fred Dyson. A Grinchly character steals health care from children, forcing an Anchorage family to sell their home to pay for needed treatment. If you stay for the closing credits you’ll see the legislature spend over $680,000 on travel and interim per diem, more than enough to cover the funding cuts to Denali Kid Care. Critics are asking, “Where are the compassionate conservatives in Whoville?”

“Three Men and a Baby” starring Hollis French, Johnny Ellis and Ethan Berkowitz. Three men are forced to care for an unexpected bundle of ethics joy, after a political appointee is dropped into their laps. This madcap parenting adventure turns upside down when junior sends out unauthorized emails. Not since “Look Whose Talking” will you see such amazing communication without speaking.

“Easy Money” starring Ben Stevens. A benevolent politician collects over $500,000 in consulting contracts helping underprivileged special interests gain access to government benefits. Watch this one and you’ll understand why critics at the Voice of the Times break their wrists giving him two thumbs up. “He’s Mother Therese on a retainer!” they scream.

And the award for the best screenplay from the 23rd Alaska State Legislature…the envelope please….

“Punch Drunk Love” starring Lesil McGuire and Tom Anderson. Two politicians knock back ten cocktails on a Monday night then knock each other around over bowling scores. The Critics rave, “These two Republicans are definitely pro-life of the party”. Watching this one you’ll wonder out loud; don’t these people work on Tuesday mornings and isn’t one of them married?

As the curtain closes on this legislature, it’s now voter’s turn to give their reviews. Here’s hoping we all remember the curtain call…”No excuses”.